Sunday, January 14, 2018

My Back Story: A Little Bit About Me.

This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world.


So, I am a pretty open person and I don’t mind sharing photo’s, opinions, life events, ect…

But this is a bit different. This is the utmost inner me, what has created the person I am
today.
The good, the bad, and the downright ugly.


As a child I was a mama’s girl but daddy's world. Everywhere my daddy went I did too.
On the other hand, I was super attached to my mama at the hip.
When I was offered to spend the night at friends house
I always ended up calling my mama crying wanting to go home.
I don’t know what it was about night time
I just couldn’t be away from what was familiar to me.
I had a love - hate relationship with school in Kindergarten and 1st grade.
Loved my teachers and friends I had, but again I needed my mama. I cried a lot.
I was a super sensitive child.


Skip ahead to life events.  Kissed by an uncle with tongue.
Never thought it was wrong because I was not told otherwise until I was older.
I did however think it was a bit odd. I was only 7 that I remember.
Touched inappropriately by a boyfriend of my sister that I was living with at
12-15 years old and in that time it lead to me performing oral on him out of duty and
threats.
I felt worthless and disgusting. I felt hate and anger.
When I was 15 I almost killed both him and my sister in their sleep.
She never knew and I couldn’t tell her. I knew she wouldn’t believe me anyways.
Brothers were serious drug addicts from the time they were 12 years old.
I was probably 7-10 years old when I first realized it. They got in with the wrong crowd.
By the time I was 13 or so, they had put my parents into bankruptcy.
I was dropped out of school and seemingly going down the same road as my brothers.
I never did nor would ever do hard drugs,
but was pulled along for the ride during some break ins.
I never knew the people and couldn’t take you back to these places to save my life.
It was scary.
One time at 15 I even was in the position from a drug dealer asking my brother to
trade me for a crack rock. Thankfully and respectfully my brother declined,
but the situation could have turned ugly really quick.


My sister found out about the molestation situation when I moved out on my own and just
like
I figured she took the guy's side and cut me from her and her kids life. I was devastated.
Her kids were my life.
They kept me alive for so many years. I protected them from that said boyfriend.
I started cutting just 1 month after I became 15 years old, dated girls, smoked pot,
lost my virginity, drank hard liquor, and then
5 months later my now husband came along.


He saved me from my family. He was the brother of my molester,
but that isn’t how I viewed him. There were times at first that I saw similarities
in his eyes and lips... But this guy is so much different.
He is gentle, never made me cave to sex, never pressured me into anything.
He was a friend and frankly the only one I could talk to in life. He is 6 years
older than me which made him 21 when I was 15.
My mother never saw harm in this because her and my daddy had the same start.
They actually married when she was 15 and he was 21.
Times then were different than they are now.

This guy and I had a rough start. My Depression,
Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, ect..
He took on a lot and didn’t even know it. He took care of me. He saved me.
We married after 6 years together. Lost 4 babies trying to start a family.
When we fostered a boy for 9 months, he was 4 years old and had a lot of issues himself.
Sexual and physical abuse victim.
At only 4 years old this sweet boy had so many of the same issues I faced in life,
just at an age so much younger to have to survive.
His biological family would not let us adopt him. They eventually took him back.
It broke my heart and I couldn’t do it again.
I kept my nephew from the brother who didn’t trade me for that crack rock.
He was 10 months old and I kept him until he was just 2 months shy of turning two.
In that time the very same brother and his girlfriend actually agreed to have a baby
for my husband and I. We were over the moon.
Two months later we found out I was pregnant.


I never expected them to ever give me the baby.
I also never expected for this baby I was now carrying to ever make it passed 15 weeks.
So I became a mother in January and again by birth in March 2013.
People always compared them to twins because they either looked so much alike
or just because raising two babies so close in age, life was like raising twins.
I have never had twins and I had no experience
with friends who had any so I didn’t know what I was getting into.
Parenting came easy for me somehow.
As my daughters have gotten older and I have added another daughter
to the mix this passed 2016, the fear of them being alone with anyone
other than me controls me at times.
Any time I am out of their sight or control, I am on high alert and anxiety.
Sometimes I even cry.
The year 2017 I lost my very best friend in January to suicide.
That overall has to be the hardest thing I have ever endured even over the passing
of my daddy. It isn’t about the loss or death. It is about how they pass away.
The guilt you feel over not being able to stop them. How it is your best friend
and you knew they had issues but NEVER saw one drunken night changing everything
for everyone around them and you had zero knowledge right before it happens.

I do not know how to come to terms with this. So I just let my story be known
and be open with others. Maybe my story can help others.
Maybe I can learn new ways to not let the things of my past control me.
I was victim of certain things but I will NOT be a victim. It will not control my life.
I just have to walk through life and learn how to cope.
In the midst of this coping. I will be the best me I can be.
I will teach my children they can be the best them and not to succumb to life's
circumstances.
 This is MY STORY ; and it is still being written.