Sunday, October 29, 2017

Changing The World One Girl At A Time

I was contacted a few months back by a friendly unknown person. She needed help with the creation of an all girl empowerment group. This isn’t a feminist type of group, or anything against the male gender, but more of a gentle guide to teach girls how to interact with one another. seeking.jpg

We females are pretty much taught to compete with one another. We are taught to compare ourselves to other girls and women. The media even teaches us to break down one another. So this is a big change that starts with our own children at home, and in our communities.

Once I received that message on social media I shrugged it off at first. I have been scammed before, I have had lots of weirdos in my inbox. So with this person not being my friend in real life or me knowing anything about them I wasn’t left with very much to trust.
I went to bed that night and decided to sleep on what I should do. I asked the universe to guide me. And guide me it did.Meditation.jpg

Next morning I message this stranger back and began to ask questions. Even though I had no idea who I was talking to I felt like this opportunity was meant to be. I could trust this person and this was something I was meant to do. I decided to volunteer my Photography for this All girls group and help with social media. I have experience in both fields so I felt this would be amazing.

Those of you who don’t know my back story (ok none of you do yet), to keep it brief, I have severe anxiety and social phobia. To do something like this is extreme for me. It is totally worth it. This is a main reason why I stopped Photography in the past. I was unable to handle the stress of meeting new people and trying to please everyone. panic.jpg I know I am a different type of person than the norm. I am too abrasive to some, too outgoing, too open, often I am just too loud.

You’d never know any of this by first impression of me. I’m shy, quiet, awkward, and constantly hiding myself in corners of rooms or away from people. Most of the time in crowds I go unnoticed.

This group is as amazing for me as it is for these young girls. I couldn’t be more happy with my decision to participate as a volunteer. Group4.jpg

Photo above is Copyright ©Kel Jones Photography

Monday, October 16, 2017

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly.

This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world.

Possibly Triggering to Some. Discretion is advised as physical, mental, sexual abuse, and suicide is mentioned.

So, I am a pretty open person and I don’t mind sharing photo’s, opinions, life events, ect…

But this is a bit different. This is the utmost inner me, what has created to person I am today. The good, the bad, and the downright ugly. This will be the longest post I have written as of yet, so grab yourself a cup of coffee and take a seat.

As a child I was a mama’s girl but daddy's world. Everywhere my daddy went I did too. On the other hand, I was super attached to my mama at the hip. When I was offered to spend the night at friends house I always ended up calling my mama crying wanting to go home. I don’t know what it was about night time I just couldn’t be away from what was familiar to me. I had a love - hate relationship with school in Kindergarten and 1st grade. Loved my teachers and friends I had, but again I needed my mama. I cried a lot.
I was a super sensitive child. I was emotionally abused by my mother from the time I can remember even up until now. Difference is I am an adult and I know better than to take it to heart. She would call me stupid, a little bitch, dumbass, even at times hit me with something out of frustration with me, but I still loved her unconditionally.

Skip ahead to life events.  Kissed by an uncle with tongue. Never thought it was wrong because I was not told otherwise until I was older. I was only 7 that I remember.
Touched inappropriately by a boyfriend of my sister that I was living with at 12-15 years old and in that time it lead to me performing oral on him out of duty and threats. I felt worthless and disgusting. I felt hate and anger. When I was 15 I almost killed both him and my sister. She never knew and I couldn’t tell her. I knew she wouldn’t believe me anyways.

Brothers were serious drug addicts from the time they were 12 years old. They got in with the wrong crowd. By the time I was 13 or so, they had put my parents into bankruptcy. I was dropped out of school and seemingly going down the same road as my brothers. I never did nor would ever do hard drugs, but was pulled along for the ride during some break ins. I never knew the people and couldn’t take you back to these places to save my life. It was scary. One time at 15 I even was in the position from a drug dealer asking my brother to trade me for a crack rock. Thankfully and respectfully my brother declined, but the situation could have turned ugly really quick.

My sister found out about the molestation situation when I moved out on my own and just like I figured she took the guy's side and cut me from her and her kids life.
I was devastated. Her kids were my life. They kept me alive for so many years. I protected them from that said boyfriend. I started cutting just 1 month after I became 15 years old, dated girls, smoked pot, lost my virginity, drank hard liquor, and then 5 months later my now husband came along.

He saved me from my family. He was the brother of my molester, but that isn’t how I viewed him. There were times at first that I saw similarities in his eyes and lips... But this guy is so much different. He is gentle, never made me cave to sex, never pressured me into anything. He was a friend and frankly the only one I could talk to in life. He is 6 years older than me which made him 21 when I was 15. My mother never saw harm in this because her and my daddy had the same start. They actually married when she was 15 and he was 21. Times were different than they are now.

This guy and I had a rough start. My Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, ect.. He took on a lot and didn’t even know it. He took care of me. He saved me. We married after 6 years together. Lost 4 babies trying to start a family. When we fostered a boy for 9 months, he was 4 years old and had a lot of issues himself. Sexual and physical abuse victim. At only 4 years old this sweet boy had so many of the same issues I faced in life, just at an age so much younger to have to survive. His biological family would not let us adopt him. They eventually took him back. It broke my heart and I couldn’t do it again. I kept my nephew from the brother who didn’t trade me for that crack rock. He was 10 months old and I kept him until he was just 2 months shy of turning two. In that time the very same brother and his girlfriend actually agreed to have a baby for my husband and I. I was over the moon. Two months later I found out I was pregnant.

I never expected them to ever give me the baby. I also never expected for this baby I was now carrying to ever make it passed 15 weeks. My body had failed me so many times before. I became a mother in January and again by birth in March 2013. This pregnancy was different, full of hardships and many almost losses but she survived. People always compared the babies to twins because they either looked so much alike or just because raising two babies so close in age, life was like raising twins. I have never had twins and I had no experience with friends who had any so I didn’t know what I was getting into. Parenting came easy for me somehow.
As my daughters have gotten older and I have added another daughter to the mix this passed 2016, the fear of them being alone with anyone other than me controls me at times. Any time I am out of their sight or control, I am on high alert and anxiety. Sometimes I even cry.

This year 2017 I lost my very best friend to suicide.
That overall has to be the hardest thing I have ever endured even over the passing of my daddy. It isn’t about the loss or death. It is about how they pass away. The guilt you feel over not being able to stop them. How it is your best friend and you knew they had issues but NEVER saw one drunken night changing everything for everyone around them and you had zero knowledge right before it happens.

I do not know how to come to terms with this. So I just let my story be known and be open with others. Maybe my story can help others. Maybe I can learn new ways to not let the things of my past control me. I was victim of certain things but I will NOT be a victim. It will not control my life. I just have to walk through life and learn how to cope. In the midst of this coping. I will be the best me I can be. I will teach my children they can be the best them and not to succumb to life's circumstances.  This is MY STORY.

Friday, October 6, 2017

In Sickness and In Health With Kids

So as I am having my morning coffee, I am groggy from day 6 of this nasty virus that has hit my house. Fevers of 102-105 F. Right now I could invest stock in Children's Motrin and Tylenol and probably make money off myself from how much we have needed to buy. Doctors say oh well, you have to just let it run its course. WELL WHY DON’T YOU TAKE THEM FOR A WEEK! Of course I don’t say it but gosh as this point of being pregnant with #4 I am wore out.
This amazing man I married has been fantastic keeping up and filling in where I can’t. (How did I ever get so lucky?)

How do you get through it? I mean this has been harder then when my two 4 year olds were just babies and I was alone dealing with all of the sickness. Pregnancy I guess. Although pregnancy is tough I have to say that my immune system has been a rock through all of this!
“Insert like a rock - ford commercial music”

As I am typing, swimming in snot, with my rock hard immune system and lack of sleep. I think to myself. Only a little longer. It has been pretty amazing that I found my sample cup of Chocolate greens from the company It Works. A good friend loaned me a sample and I have been super amazed at how much it has boosted my girls immune systems in just the two days I have given them some in chocolate milk. You can check it out here. It is actually the first one to be approved as family friendly and kid safe. Some of these Green products you get in grocery stores have added fillers and other things that aren’t for children's delicate bodies. Okay, enough with the ad. So being on day 6, this sickness is almost over and I couldn't be happier to know this tidbit of information..

Throughout this yucky, my eldest has decided to cut her hair, use an entire bottle of bubble bath, pull art supplies out and tattoo the wall with foam stickers, and find their halloween costumes.
messy-1459688_960_720.pngI am surviving off of my coffee for alertness and greens for energy and to keep me from getting sick. As much as I love cuddles with my kids, I am a solo sleeper. I need my bed back and I am ready for cuddles with my hubby. Please send my house healthy vibes because I am in the process of disinfecting my entire life at this moment. Any volunteers want to help? I have coffee.